What you ask is not what the other hears!

“Are you not bathing today?” — Renuka

I get irritated.

“Why are you not asking ‘When are you not bathing today?’?” — I retort (with a raised voice).

“That’s what I asked” — Renuka

When I hear the question, there is a narration in my head.

It is based on my background (combination of ethnic, cultural, beliefs).

I was brought up as an equivalent of a “TamBhram — Iyer”.

Only “brushing teeth” was allowed without bathing.

Bathing is the first (may be 3rd if counted accurately) thing we do in a day.

So what I hear when the question is asked as

“Are you not bathing today?”

is

“It is way past bathing time. You have not shown any inclination to take bath and are performing activities that should not be performed without bathing. Are you going to continue with this?”

Happens everywhere.

We think what we ask is what the other person hears.

Not necessarily true.

We all have a narration in our head that interprets what’s being said.

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What you ask is “Have you considered simplifying the options, this seems complex?”. What other hears is “You seemed to have come up with a complex option. Why can’t you come up with a simple one?”

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What you ask is “Do you need help to have clarity on what and how you are going to do things?”. What the other hears is “Hey! I think things are not being planned well. I want to know what and how you are planning to do things.”

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Two takeaways:

* When asking — be sensitive to the narration in the other persons head. If it triggers behaviour you do not expect probably what you asked is not what he hears.

* When responding — clarify the story in your head. What you hear is not probably what the other person asked.

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It will make work and personal life simple.

Originally published at dino.xyz/Recruiterbox